Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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