Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
