So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
