How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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