i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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