Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
