my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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