Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
