Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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