my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
