you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
operation have a gay friend backfired
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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