i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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