having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
