I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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