i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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