11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
