Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
