you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
