she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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