So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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