My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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