Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
