Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
