party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
