Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
