Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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