I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
