Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
