I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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