quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize