I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize