What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The Olympian is in my bed
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
