I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Everyone says I win the strip club
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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