shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
