a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
