seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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