Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
