ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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