I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
