Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize