nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
