all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
