Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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