not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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