I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
