What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
