I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
