Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
