apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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