there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
