I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
