I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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