FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
