Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
why is half of my head shaved?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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