I need help removing her.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize