I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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