that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
