Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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