Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
