peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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